John Steward

John Steward - January 2008

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 13:29:19 +0100

IF YOU HAVEN’T YET bought all your Christmas presents, bad luck, it’s now too late, although you can still purchase half-price cards and wrapping paper for next time.

This is the month for returning that awful coloured tie, the socks that will only fit midgets feet; the perfume that is eau-de-Polecat and two, of the three identical copies of Jilly Cooper you received. The battery counters will traditionally be at their busiest, because countless kids will have been given toys by adults who haven’t a clue how they work. There’ll be puppy dogs that don’t wag their tails, racing cars that can’t race, talking dolls that remain dumb, toy telephones that never ring, Transformers that won’t transform, trains that never run (just like the real thing), Power Wheels that are powerless, helicopters that remain grounded and mini-keyboards that are tuneless.

So the plan that these gadgets would keep the kids amused whilst the adults over-indulged and laid around with hangovers, comes unstuck, because they hadn’t read the instructions on the box. They’ll learn in time!

FOOTBALL CRAZY. England’s latest soccer defeat comes as no surprise to me. I have always maintained that this bunch of prima-donnas have too high an opinion of themselves, which makes it even harder for them when they fall from grace. The root cause of their downfall is of course money; too much of it. This becomes quite obvious when they play against minor European ‘underdogs’ who are paid a mere fraction of the England players wages. Many of our opponents are literally hungry and desperate to be chosen for their national team, whereas our lot are grossly overpaid, overfed and over-indulged. Not for them the pride of being picked to represent their country – but only “what’s it worth?”

Managers cannot take ALL the blame for a team’s lack-lustre performance, but the latest failure has not done too badly, being rewarded with £2.5 million for his lack of success.. Imagine what it might have been had he been a success! The F.A., football’s governing body has ordered a ‘root and branch’ review of this latest fiasco, but it has to be said that they also have failed considerably, by continually appointing the wrong people for the job and have thrown unbelievable sums of money around, as if printing their own banknotes.

In future, a strong disciplinarian has to take charge (remember the late Brian Clough) and the players signed up on the basis of expenses only plus a bonus payment for a winning result. This will sort out those who are proud just to represent their country, from those who are only in it for personal riches and fame.

In many ways, professional football mirrors politics, where catastrophic failures so often walk off into the sunset with huge rewards.

THE ARMED SERVICES have a word for it – ‘skiving’. That’s exactly how I would describe a suspected large number of the 2.7 million claimants who say they are too ill to work, costing taxpayers £7.5 billion a year in benefit payouts. That’s one hell of a lot of bad backs and stress and one has to ask how so many of these people are only fit enough to struggle to the bookies and the pub to fill their idle days? And then there’s the more enterprising ones who may be able to stand upright long enough to work in the so-called ‘black economy’ for undeclared income.

Former Social Security Minister Frank Field referred to this as a racket, so who am I to disagree? There are 116,000 people claiming anxiety disorders, costing us £276 million a year. I would suggest that many of these may be anxious that one day there will be a knock on the door by a Social Services investigator. The current Work and Pensions Secretary has promised a crackdown on malingerers and ‘hopes’ to weed out 20,000 of them and get them back to work. Oh yes – and the proverbial pigs might fly!

A FEW YEARS AGO I decided to take up art and spent a small fortune equipping for the task, ready to challenge Renoir and Monet. My landscapes are passable, but some way from competing with these French masters of the late Victorian era. But I wonder if I have the right approach? Some of the recent exhibits in our national art galleries have given me cause to rethink my concept of what constitutes art. A crack in the floor at the Tate Modern recently drew crowds of admirers and was hailed by the critics as a masterpiece. Stuffed animals in formaldehyde have also created great interest and have sold for ridiculous sums of money.

Last year’s Turner Prize was won by a shed and this year’s offering was even more bizarre than the previously unmade bed and a flowing water tap. It was a movie film of a man wearing a bear suit, peering through a window at passers-by. So if this now constitutes art, then I might as well invest in a taxidermist’s kit.

DOES ANYONE KNOW why the ubiquitous tentacles of Health & Safety don’t appear to extend to unclean hospital wards?

UNLIKE SOME MALES, I’ve never envied ‘Pop Croaker’ Rod Stewart, his millionaire lifestyle, his glamorous blonde companions, or the vacuous life he leads flitting between his luxurious homes. That is until now. Because I am definitely very envious of the model he keeps at his Beverly Hills mansion. It’s a railway layout of New York Grand Central Station in the forties. At the risk of being considered childlike, I believe my dream of playing trains is shared by thousands of adults who have managed to conceal their guilty secret. I gaze longingly at advertisements for the latest Hornby locomotives and track layouts and am often tempted to invest in this childhood dream.

Only the lack of available floor space and Rod Stewart’s wealth prevents me.

THE POST OFFICE is widely promoting its Broadband services across the media. This must be a great comfort to the elderly, who have seen their local Post Office closed down and now have to travel great distances. To most pensioners, they might as well be publicising Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, as the mysteries of the Internet.

THE RESULT OF the trial into the Health & Safety issues relating to the Metropolitan Police’s mistaken shooting of an innocent man, is a fine of £175,000 plus £385,000 costs. No individual officers were blamed for the catalogue of blunders on that fateful day and indeed, the senior officer in charge of operations at the time, has since been promoted.

Apart from deceased victim, the only other losers are the people of London. There is now £560,000 less in the police kitty for keeping us safe. Surely there has to be a better way of punishing an organisation than making the public and the taxpayers suffer.

AT THIS TIME it is natural to look back over the past year and there seems to be a lot more nostalgia for the past than in previous years. This form of escapism of course has much to do with the state of the country and indeed the world, today.

In music, fans of Glen Miller are being treated to re-issues of his early records; Tribute Bands are filling venues with their look-alike and sound-alike performers; London theatres are alive with staging old musicals and even long-dead classical composers are being resurrected for a new generation to enjoy. Cinemas are also showing remakes from the past, although it’s a shame that it is now too costly to re-create those stunning Busby Berkeley dance routines from the thirties. Personally, my collection of Laurel and Hardy and Will Hay takes pride of place in the video cabinet.

Fashions now turn full circle, with the ‘flapper’ and ‘forties’ looks returning to the catwalk; film documentaries on the first and second world wars have seen a revival, with national newspapers giving away free DVD’s. TV shows are now mostly trite rubbish compared with a few years ago. Eating strange insects in the Australian jungle can no way compare with Sunday Night at the Palladium, or the mid-week play. Bring back Muffin the Mule, and the Potters Wheel I say.

There is pressure to reinstate the Matron in hospital wards, that harridan who terrified nurses and doctors alike – and would certainly not tolerate the filthy conditions and killer bugs of today.

Many parents look back longingly to the days of strict discipline in schools, when pupils sat facing the teacher and only spoke when asked a question. When hard work was rewarded with a place at a Grammar School, sometimes followed by a meaningful degree course at University. When school uniform was de rigueur and teachers wore their academic gowns as a sign of authority. When unruly pupils who disrupted the concentration of the rest of the class were punished with ‘six of the best’ from a bamboo cane, kept on view on the teacher’s desk. When good manners and courteous behaviour extended to outside of school hours and in public places.

Nostalgia for the days of the corner shop, that served unwrapped tasty bacon and ham sliced from the bone; when independent family businesses lined the high street which included a Post Office in every town and village. And mail deliveries and collections were timed to suit public needs. When seaside holidays were not blighted by drug-ridden thugs and filthy beaches. And the excitement of travelling by steam train, when station staff dressed in smart livery and porters were on hand to help with the luggage. What a contrast to the cheap flight holidays to foreign sunspots of today and the overcrowded airports where travellers are treated like cattle by over-officious jobsworths.

Thoughts of Christmas past, before commercialism took over and artificial trees that don’t shed their needles. Of Christmas stockings containing such surprises as an orange, a kazoo and a miniature compendium of games. The ritual stirring of the home-made plum pudding with a silver sixpence secreted inside and making a wish. (What a fuss this would cause from the Health & Safety zealots today!). Paper chains manufactured on the kitchen table from coloured strips of gummed paper; happy family gatherings seated around the dining table to enjoy a traditional sumptuous early dinner, in time for the monarch’s annual address to the nation. A time when pulling a cracker had a whole different meaning.

When Empire Day was celebrated by street displays of bunting and children were allowed to wear their Scouts, Boys Brigade and Cadet uniforms to school. When soldiers proudly marched down the street, wearing their best uniform, coming home on leave and being admired by friends and neighbours. When transatlantic liners fiercely competed for the Blue Ribband trophy, by crossing the Atlantic in record time. When politicians were respected and honourable pillars of society and local councillors felt honoured to give their time free to serve their community, in the days before they became paid agents for government policies.

When Hornby, Meccano and Airfix were household names and fathers’ competed with their sons to get at them first. A time when the local ‘Bobby’ would know personally all the people on his beat, particularly any villains and would dish out his own form of instant punishment for minor misdemeanours, sometimes marching a young culprit home to his parents to meet the wrath of an angry father. No form-filling nonsense, fingerprinting and DNA, or a criminal record for the young miscreants; just a stern lesson they would not forget in a hurry.

The time when you could dial a direct telephone number and speak to a human being, without having to listen constantly to a Mozart quintet. When you could travel on public transport in relative peace, without the inane chatter of mobile telephone morons loudly informing someone “I’m on the bus!” The days before CCTV watched our every move and speed cameras caught the unsuspecting motorist travelling a few mph over the speed limit. When you could go into hospital and reasonably expect to come out alive. That’s nostalgia for you.

A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY READERS.

John Steward July 2008

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 14:17:44 +0100

MURDER COMES TO SIDCUP. Another young man, who just happened to be an actor in the latest Harry Potter film, has had his life and a promising future snuffed out in a moment of madness and the flash of a knife blade. And inevitably much discussion has followed as to how society can combat this rising type of crime, which now seems a daily occurrence.

Imagine my frustration, when like so many others I am convinced that only one thing is going to curb this horrendous trend and the indiscriminate taking of lives. THE RETURN OF HARD LABOUR, CORPORAL AND CAPITAL PUNISHMENT. Anything less is just playing into the hands of the unscrupulous thugs who at the moment have the power to ignore all normal decent rules of civilisation and they should have absolutely no right to remain living themselves. My own small protest is to withdraw my vote in general elections until Members of Parliament have the courage to use their position to protect all decent people by pressing for realistic sentences and a change in the law. They have a clear duty to send out the message that this situation will no longer be tolerated and that murdering scum will no longer have the right to continue living among the rest of us.

I’m quite clear in my mind about this - how about you?

Photo: Kent Photonews Sidcup.

FORMER COUNCIL LEADER Ian Clement, is to be congratulated for costing the borough an untimely by-election, by accepting a more lucrative position as deputy London mayor. He has certainly left his mark in Bexley, with his cut backs on essential services and increased charges elsewhere and his successor will be installed in his expensively-refurbished grand office. Perhaps we should put a plaque up in his honour!

BACK IN 1945 when the people of Europe were rejoicing in conquering the Nazi regime, they couldn’t possibly have known that in the new Millennium we would be controlled by un-elected descendants of the Third Reich. When Edward Heath signed us up to the Treaty of Rome, he had but one single passion. Having witnessed war first-hand as an army officer during world war II, he vowed that never again would Europeans fight against each other and only a united Europe would guarantee peace in the future.

On the domestic front, nothing has concentrated the minds of the people as much as the latest rules on recycling and rubbish collection. These rules, or ‘Directives’ as they are known, were drawn up by a group of academics from the Dresden University of Technology, to be enshrined in European Directive 75/442/EEC. We may never know the names of these esteemed academics and certainly will not have voted for them, but they have been immensely influential in the way they have caused so much friction and hostility between householders and their local authorities.

Whole councils have been replaced at local elections, in the misconception that a different ruling party will be less draconian in its implementation of these rules. The reality of course is that nothing changes, because councils must do exactly what central government tells them. Any pretence that local democracy works is therefore utter nonsense, because whatever political colour your council is - it must take its orders from Westminster, which in turn has to obey Brussels. And Brussels takes its instructions from German academics. So dear reader, the circle is completed and the euphoria greeting victory over Germany in 1945 was a mere delusion.

ANOTHER - YES ANOTHER child dies in squalid circumstances, having been starved, along with her siblings. The usual inquiry has been set up and I can predict the outcome will be the now over-used cliché - “lessons will be learned.”

Well I’m sorry - but lessons are NEVER learned from these sad cases and until there is a major change in the mindset of the authorities, they never will be. It seems to me that because of red tape and the excuse about protecting people’s human rights, the social services, police, schools and hospitals are not sufficiently robust in investigating such cases. In this instance, the children had not attended school for a number of weeks. Was it beyond the wit and wisdom of teachers or neighbours to visit their home and knock on the door? Or if they felt this was beyond their remit, to alert the police who should insist on inspecting their home and satisfying themselves that the children were safe and in good health.

The world of social workers, teachers and the police is rife with ‘doing the right thing’ and ‘not taking matters into their own hands,’ for fear of overstepping their authority. Well I say to hell with this, when it comes to the matter of a child in danger. The safety and welfare of vulnerable children must be paramount and if this means bending or breaking the rules, then so be it. If I became aware of a child being at risk, I would not hesitate to take the law into my own hands if the authorities had failed to do so and would not give a second thought to the consequences of my actions.

So come on you intelligent teachers, you big tough policemen, you timid social workers; and you nosey neighbours have the courage to bypass the rules and ignore your superiors when you have good reason to suppose there is a real possibility of another child becoming a dead body and yet another statistic. You may not get a medal, but you will have the satisfaction of knowing you have saved a child’s life. What greater reward can there possibly be? And the rest of us will believe that lessons have definitely been learned at last.

TRUE TO THE THEME of this column: “You Wouldn’t Believe It,” The Royal Navy generously supplied a ship and two helicopters for a publicity stunt to launch the new James Bond novel written by Sebastian Faulks. Whilst all this was going on in the Pool of London, just across the Channel several British yachts were being ‘detained’ quite illegally by excitable French fishermen protesting against high fuel charges. There was no escape for the unfortunate crews of these vessels because steel cables had been laid to trap them.

So why didn’t the Royal Navy deploy the ship and two helicopters being used to promote the private publishing enterprise in London, to advance on the French pirates and show them we will not tolerate this unruly behaviour against British citizens, with a warning shot across their bows? Or can we only expect such action when TV and film cameras and 007 are in attendance!

THERE MAY BE some overriding political reason why British Prime Ministers don’t attend the funerals of our brave heroes killed in battle, although I fail to appreciate why? This convention obviously doesn’t extend to commiserating with the ‘heroic’ over-paid, over-indulged, over-promoted soccer player who rather uselessly failed to find the net in Moscow. Gordon Brown is said to have written a letter of condolence to console this failed footballer, who when the final whistle blew, at least still had his life and all his limbs intact, ready to do combat on the pitch and in the nightclubs once more.

Which is more than can be said for the many hundreds of victims of the wars being fought in Iraq and Afghanistan, that neither they or the majority of the public want, yet are sworn to do their duty on behalf of an ungrateful government. This disgraceful government and its ministers clearly value an inept football player higher than the young servicemen and women who have laid down their lives for them. I feel ashamed on their behalf.

THE CAN OF WORMS has now been fully opened, despite the Speaker’s disgraceful attempt to keep the lid tightly closed. Even cynics like me were surprised by some of the expenses claimed by our loyal Members of Parliament. I must say, as a taxpayer I was shocked to learn that I was contributing to Gordon Brown’s television licence and his annual subscription to Sky Sports and Movie channels. Also that I had helped the Blair’s purchase a brand new kitchen, complete with Aga cooker and dishwasher. I hope they included a trough in the fittings in which to dip their greedy snouts.

Then we learn of Margaret Beckett’s claim to make us pay for her plant pots and garden plants and that we also pay to have Barbara Follett’s windows cleaned - even though she is married to a millionaire author. These are but a tiny few examples of how we are being ripped off by those we elect to look after our interests, but who in practice are looking after themselves first and foremost. And their only defence is to remind us that their avarice is within the rules, which allows them to rob us rotten. Not for them the effects of the ‘credit crunch’ that is now crippling their constituents. And no change of government will make an atom of difference, because these ‘rules’ apply right across the political spectrum, which is why you won’t hear much dissent from the opposition benches.

The whole system is designed in favour of legalised theft and it’s high time the ‘rules’ were changed.

BILL ODDIE is one of those irritating people who make me cringe, whenever I see him on the excellent ‘Spring Watch’ or whatever ‘Watch’ it happens to be. He twitters away like a demented blackbird and is clearly besotted with his on-screen partner Kate Humble. His boyish enthusiasm for the natural world is irrepressible and she deserves some praise for her brave attempts to get an occasional word in.

Anyone who puts themselves up before the public is fair game and provided it doesn’t get too personal and libellous, healthy criticism is to be expected. Indeed, it can actually be useful in helping performers gauge their careers. Yet the BBC has closed its website to any further adverse comments about the somewhat odd Mister Oddie, because they say this has gone too far.

I believe they are wrong to do this and it goes against the spirit of public broadcasting and freedom of expression. Bill Oddie has a large following from his time as a ‘Goodie’ where his silliness was employed to good use, so I don’t think he needs the protection of the Big Brother Corporation.

THE COMPENSATION CULTURE is now well and truly established here in Britain. And it’s being helped along by advertisements on commercial radio stations describing ‘an accident waiting to happen.’ This firm of solicitors positively salivates at the idea of listeners slipping on wet floors, tripping over obstacles and having their vehicles damaged by ‘white van man.’ Their ‘no win - no fee’ offer will obviously be an attraction for the accident prone, or those who see compensation as an alternative means of obtaining money without working. Personally I think this advertisement should be banned for inciting the work-shy and is every bit as anti-social as those promoting strong drink and mobile telephones..

PRINCE WILLIAM’S wardrobe must be at bursting point as he collects yet another uniform (Naval Sub-Lieutenant’s) to join those from the Army and the Air Force. He is living the dream of sampling all the goodies in the sweetshop whilst being under no pressure to sign-up to a long service contract, or being posted to a hell-hole in some God-forsaken part of our unstable world.

I don’t criticize him for this, in fact I very much envy him that I never had the same opportunity at his age. Although he may occasionally wake abruptly from a nightmare, not knowing whether he is ‘going over the top,’ ‘baling-out of a blazing aircraft,’ or ‘abandoning a sinking ship.’ His situation reminds me of that TV show where celebrities act out their fantasies by appearing as their favourite entertainers.

“And who are you going to be this week William - a Knight of the Garter?”

THE HEALTH MINISTER is obsessed with stamping-out smoking among the young. In my schooldays, this could have been achieved by demolishing school bike sheds.

John Steward June 2008

Fri, 23 May 2008 14:22:43 +0100

AT LAST IT’S ALL OVER. The campaign for London Mayor seemed to go on for ever – like the American Primaries. On radio, television and in the press, our senses were assailed by the three main candidates squabbling like school kids as to who was the best. And right to the last we were kept in suspense as the count dragged on late into the night. At one point I was beginning to think the Zimbabwean presidential result would be out before London’s mayor.

And so we have it; BoJo is anointed King of London and like it or lump it, we are stuck with him for the next four years. I said when he was nominated by the Tories as their candidate that he should not be written off as an apparent buffoon and that behind this façade was a very serious and intelligent politician. Well of course it remains to be seen how well he performs as the new Mayor, but for my part I was pleased to see Ken slink off into the sunset for good. And I believe the high turnout at the polls suggested many others shared my view. If the bicycling Boris doesn’t back-pedal on his promises, we can now look forward to less persecution of London’s council tax payers, less cronyism and sleaze at City Hall, less spiteful campaigns against drivers, less bendy buses, less overseas travel, less propaganda like ‘The Londoner’ newspaper, and above all – LESS CRIME ON LONDON’S STREETS. Time will tell!

JUST ONE QUESTION! Would those who voted for him have done so, if they had known the cruel treatment he inflicted on his children? Giving them such colourful names as Lara Lettice, Milo, Cassia Peaches and Theodore Apollo, should surely be investigated by the NSPCC!

IF I RECALL MY PHYSICS LESSONS CORRECTLY, ‘like poles attract and unlike poles repel’. Well Sidcup Snooker Club appears to be in the latter category in its application to introduce the quaint art of Pole Dancing, as an attempt to revive interest among those of its clientele who have become bored with snookering one another behind the baulk colours.

Having never had the pleasure, so to speak, of attending an exhibition of this form of recreation, I’m not best qualified to comment on its entertainment value, but I find myself asking what all the fuss is about? Surely if we trawl through local history we will find evidence of Sidcup people making merry around a Maypole and enjoying every moment of it. If the only Poles allowed in are to be plumbers, then it will become a very boring place indeed!

IT IS TWENTY ONE YEARS since IKEA invaded our shores and introduced the mystery of flat-pack furniture to d.i.y. enthusiasts. My own baptism of fire was with MFI, who inflicted similar mind-bending challenges on us to test our expertise, patience and sanity. I have been my own worst enemy in that I could never be bothered to read the instruction sheets and those complex diagrams that are completely meaningless to those of us who haven’t received training in technical draughtsmanship and quantum physics. Surely I cannot be the only one to have completed a unit, only to discover that the first panel is the wrong way around – meaning the whole assembly had to be dismantled and started all over again!

Why is it I could never locate the corresponding holes when simply screwing one piece of mdf to another? And why was there always a vital part missing right at the end? Did this mean some lucky customer somewhere had a part to spare? Referring to the diagram was no help when attempting to join Front D to Front E, when you’ve already used Front E somewhere else. And anything joined by dowels was fraught with danger because if you knocked them into the pre-drilled holes too hard, or crooked, it would be impossible to get them out again.

My boyhood experience in constructing model aircraft from Airfix kits was of no help whatsoever. And my Mensa IQ was in fact a drawback when faced with such a conundrum of assorted wood panels and screws. Before commencing you are given a list of tools required, usually a screwdriver, a hammer and a pencil. I would add a strong alcoholic drink to that list.

COUNCIL LEADER IAN CLEMENT has stepped down to take up a position as a deputy mayor of London. We should congratulate him on his rapid rise through the ranks and hope that in his newly elevated post he retains the interests of the people of Bexley. Presumably he will be receiving a handsome salary and perks for this very busy and time-consuming job, so it is pertinent to ask if he will no longer be on Bexley’s payroll? Hopefully Bexley Chronicle will have this answer in time for the next edition.

SOME FRENCH POLITICIANS are still bitter about Paris losing out to London for the 2012 Olympic Games. When they see London’s final bill I think they will see it as a lucky escape. Anyway, they should be satisfied that they have won Carla Bruni as their First Lady.

WHEN THE CHANCELLOR announced the abolition of the 10 per cent income tax rate and a reduction in the next level to 20 per cent, MP’s on both sides of the House erupted in cheers. Yet it didn’t take me long to calculate that this would mean an increase in the tax bill for many low income people. In fact it emerges that more than five million people would be paying more tax as a result. So why has it taken until now, after protests from constituents and the press, for politicians to wake up to this fact? What sickens me is that so many Members of Parliament of all parties didn’t raise any objection at the time. This stinks and begs the question, why do we pay these people huge sums of money if they are unable to monitor what is going on under their very noses? I’m not on the public payroll, but it didn’t take me very long to see through this subterfuge. Bear this in mind next time you are called upon to vote.

GORDON BROWN often refers to being guided by his moral compass for all his thinking and actions. Now wherever you are, your compass will always point North, so what the hell is he doing down here South of the border?

JOHN PRESCOTT (remember him?), has revealed that he allowed bulimia to get on top of him. Was this before, or after his secretary Tracey Temple?

NOT MANY OF YOU WILL KNOW THIS, but the draft proposals for the new Civic Centre in Bexleyheath included a Prayer Room of some 13.5 square metres. I believe this has now sensibly been dropped from the plans. Now call me old-fashioned, but there is a time and place for everything and I don’t expect council staff to be engaging in religious activities when I am paying for them to do their jobs of running the borough. What next? A morning chess club, a daily film show, a weekly fancy dress party? We council tax payers expect its employees to be fully employed in WORK on our behalf. Officers and councillors please note.

WHEN THE BEXLEYHEATH SHOPPING PRECINCT WAS BUILT, together with the adjacent Law Courts, I was one of its biggest critics, comparing this grey concrete monstrosity with Alcatraz. And the gradual deterioration of its façade gives me no reason to change my mind. So it was a rare ray of sunshine and hope when the Woolwich Building Society located its purpose built HQ at the eastern end of the town. This was the finest and most pleasant example of modern architecture to be seen for many miles around and was soon nicknamed ‘The Pagoda’ by locals.

Now, if the mighty Tesco giant gets its way, this will be demolished, which will be vandalism and sacrilege of the highest order. Regrettably, being a fairly new construction it cannot be protected by a preservation order under the Historic Buildings Act, but this doesn’t prevent the residents and supporters of Bexleyheath town rising up in protest against such a destructive move. We seem to be living in an era where supermarkets are more important than hospitals, police stations and post offices and appear to be powerless to do anything about it. May I suggest that now is the time for Bexley and Westminster politicians to win back some of their lost credibility by standing firm against this latest intrusion and prevent it from going any further.

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE continues to be abused and not only by soccer players and their managers. Radio presenters and tv news readers have a lot to answer for. I’ve covered this subject many times in the past, but my latest targets are “Uni”(for university) and “Man U” (for Manchester United). And unbelievably, the traffic reporters on BBC London Radio just cannot get their tongues around Marylebone, when describing delays in MAR-LEBONE High Street. Lord Reith must be continuously spinning around in his grave.

WHEN THE OLYMPIC FLAME was paraded through London in April, it was escorted by scores of bicycling police officers suitably attired in fluorescent jackets and streamlined headgear. We’ve come a long way since the local bobby pounding away on his Hercules Roadster and wearing the obligatory cycle clips to keep his trouser bottoms from being mangled in the chain.

THE LATEST ARGUMENT over the unfair funding for London boroughs is nothing new. In the 1920’s, Poplar (now part of Tower Hamlets) staged a ratepayers demonstration and the local council refused to pass on its revenues to the Metropolitan Services. This retained money was used for social reform among the poorest residents in what was then London’s poorest district around the docks, railways and small factories in the area. Thirty councillors were imprisoned for six weeks for refusing a Court Order to hand over the money to the authorities. But the revolt gathered widespread public support from neighbouring councils and trades unions and the Court eventually bowed to public pressure and the councillors were released. As a result, this led to large scale municipal relief for the poor and the act of defiance became known as ‘Popularism’.

This all took place in an era when those in public service were public spirited and put their principles before self-preservation. If only those in similar positions today could bring themselves to act on behalf of the people who voted them into office and stood up against central government, instead of just complaining that the grant has been slashed. If this was the case, then we in Bexley might not now be paying the special Olympics levy to satisfy Ken Livingstone’s delusion of power. Obviously our own councillors have learned nothing from history.

BRITISH SCIENTISTS have created the first part-human, part-animal embryo. I thought they already had when John Prescott was conceived!

TEACHERS GOING ON STRIKE doesn’t sit comfortably with their public image of dedicated caring professionals. But I suppose we must respect their ‘right’ to withdraw their labour when they can’t get what they want by intelligent argument. However, I believe parents also have ‘rights’ and should be told what action is being taken to remove the alleged 24,000 failing teachers from their posts?

This is a perfectly reasonable and pertinent question.

READERS OF A CERTAIN AGE who grew up on a diet of Tarzan films will be pleased to learn that Cheeta the chimp is still alive and well at the grand old age of seventy-six. He is enjoying retirement in California, where he spends his days painting and playing the piano. Although Tarzan (Johnny Weissmuller) and Jane (Maureen O’Sullivan) were billed as the stars of these popular films, the REAL star who stole every scene was undoubtedly Cheeta, who would be loudly cheered on by thousands of kids occupying the stalls at Saturday Morning Cinema Clubs all around the country. Good luck to you Cheeta and thank you for giving us so much pleasure on the silver screen.

John Steward May 2008

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:30:15 +0100

I HAVE JUST BEEN ROBBED OF £2,021. No, I didn’t call the police, because it wasn’t a mugging, or a break-in, but the amount demanded for my council tax. Had my modest property been built just a mile further east towards Dartford, the tax would have been £1,868, saving me a worthwhile £153.

Yet our well-rewarded council leader has missed no opportunity of informing us how hard they have worked to keep the current increase below inflation, as if I should feel grateful and doff my cap in appreciation. He conveniently ignores the fact that Bexley has one of the highest levels of council tax to begin with, so any increase is too much and we shouldn’t allow ourselves to be fooled by this illusion.

The borough has been awarded 2 per cent less from central government this year, yet councillors have still managed to reward themselves a backdated pay rise plus unspecified expenses from last May, (which is in addition to their current increase). This suggests they must have worked some kind of miracle, until you realise that this has been at the expense of reduced care for the elderly, sick and disabled residents. Nothing to crow about Mr. Clement!

If you want to know more about Bexley’s town hall salaries, pensions and councillors pay, see the March and April editions of Bexley Chronicle for the facts. I guarantee these will astound you, when you learn how much of your council tax is creamed off by this elite group of middle managers and elected representatives. Personally, I contribute around £40 each month to their generous £9 million gold plated index linked pensions and goodness knows how much to their equally generous over-inflated salaries and perks. I think the recent Derek Conway affair has diverted our attention from what is happening under our very noses.

According to published figures, as well as the basic £9,105 that all councillors receive, plus all sorts of extra’s for committee work and expenses, it is revealed that there are 214 employees paid over £1,000 A WEEK. Then the Chief Executive’s salary of more than £3,500 plus allowances A WEEK and a couple of other senior officers on £2,500 and £2,700 A WEEK. Do you realise some of these people are paid more than the Prime Minister of Great Britain, which surely cannot be right. Just think how much could be done for the disadvantaged in Bexley, if these top salaries were brought into line with reality. Back in the world where most of us live, we have to gamble on the financial viability of our companies and pension investments to determine our annual income.

Now here’s a thought! If these people lived in the same world as us mere mortals, they might even be in a position to declare a ZERO rate increase in council tax next year. Or better still – A REDUCTION? And pigs of course might fly as long as we allow them to continue to rob our pockets for their own personal gain.

Footnote: Latham Road in Bexleyheath was named after a Doctor Latham, who in the 18^th century shot dead a highwayman in the area. If only the good doctor was still around to deal with today’s daylight robbery called council tax!

STAYING WITH THIS SUBJECT, consideration is being given to basing future council tax on among other things, the view you get from your windows. Well I shouldn’t worry about it, considering the eyesore created by those ugly waste collection bins in our gardens that have been forced upon us by the council. This may even be a case for a tax REDUCTION!

“EASTER WAS EARLY THIS YEAR.” Really! The truth is, most of us don’t have a clue when Easter should be, or for that matter, Shrove Tuesday, or Ash Wednesday – except that they always fall on a Tuesday and a Wednesday. These events have never occupied my mind for very long and when I have given Easter any thought, I believed it to be connected with the anniversary of the Crucifixion and Resurrection in the Christian calendar and therefore a date fixed in time.

How wrong could I be. The fact is that Easter was decided way back in the fourth century by a coterie of astronomers, mathematicians and religious teachers, who decreed that this takes place on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Spring Equinox. So there you have it; no wonder we are so confused. One thing we can be sure of though, is that Christmas Day will fall on December 25^th this year, so make a note of it in your diary.

THE BEATLES have never done it for me, but in the interests of fair play – neither has Frank Sinatra, or the ‘Strolling Bones.’ The mass hysteria that worshipped this daft-named group of show-off Liverpool lads, left me puzzled and bewildered, wondering what all the fuss was about? Their tuneless tunes and silly lyrics had in my opinion, very little to do with music and more to do with hype and mind bending, when they took the world by storm in the sixties. By no stretch of the imagination could this noisy and some will say likeable quartet be compared with the brilliance of Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice and their wonderful music. You may think differently, but I ask you to compare just for a moment “She Loves You – Yeah, Yeah, Yeah” with the beautiful words and music from ‘Phantom of the Opera,’ or the catchy songs of ‘Joseph.’ Well?

But I have strayed from what I intended to say. The unedifying spectacle of the McCartney’s divorce has left Sir Paul £24 million worse off – not that he will notice it, from his vast fortune, said to be upwards of £800 million. The recipient of this money couldn’t have looked less pleased with her windfall, as she ranted that it was not enough for her and their child to exist on and nothing less than £125 million would suffice. The point I want to make is that this money has mostly come from the pockets of those screaming teenage hero-worshippers, who had to choose between a new pair of shoes, or the latest Beatles record. And ironically, £24 million of this has now found its way into the pocket of someone who was not even old enough to have been a teenage fan of the ‘Fab Four.’ Now that IS ironic!

THIRTEEN IS UNLUCKY FOR SOME! It certainly is for me, when it comes to altering all the timepieces in my home, to comply with BST and GMT. As well as the obvious clocks on the walls, there is the cooker, the Hi-fi, the video recorder, the car, wristwatches and radio alarms. Fortunately the computer looks after itself in some mysterious way? This quirky twice-yearly ritual takes up far too much of my valuable time and I would welcome any political party that campaigned to have it abolished.

Sorry – I must go; I’ve just remembered the central heating boiler clock and the telephone recording machine. So that now makes it FIFTEEN.

SO THE N.U.T. have voted to walk out because they consider the pay rise they have been awarded is not enough. Many parents will be disgusted that those entrusted with setting a good example to their children can act in such an irresponsible manner. Their clear message is – if you can’t get what you want, down tools until you do. My own equally clear message would be – if you refuse to work, then don’t bother coming back.

Teachers often complain about their pay and seek sympathy from the long suffering public. Personally, I don’t believe they are too badly paid, but don’t take my word for it, let them be honest and publish their comprehensive pay scales, including their very generous annual holiday entitlement and their index linked pensions on retirement at the age of sixty. Then the public will be able to decide if they are getting a raw deal?

Had they been going on strike because of the breakdown in classroom discipline and the lack of support they receive from the government and the law, then they would have my whole-hearted sympathy and backing. But don’t they understand that their selfish attitude in the workplace is encouraging this breakdown of discipline? If they can’t see this, then they are in the wrong profession. (And before any teachers write me angry letters, I would inform them that three of my immediate family are employed in education).

READERS OF THIS COLUMN will recall in the December Chronicle that I criticised those intent on vilifying the McCann’s after their daughter Madeleine disappeared. Several national newspapers who led this campaign against them have now received their come-uppance and I am pleased we pointed them out long before the McCann’s contemplated libel proceedings.

The accusations levelled against them were cruel and unfounded and could only add to their grief. The newspapers involved have now issued a public apology and paid out substantial damages to the ‘Find Madeleine Fund.’ It would be a welcome irony if this extra money was significant in finally discovering what has happened to Madeleine and resulted in her being returned safely to her family.

A VERITABLE ARMY of 600 police officers in riot gear advanced menacingly on a north London street and my hopes were raised that at last the initiative was being taken to remove guns and knives from this notorious area. But these hopes were soon dashed, when I learned that their target was just mobile telephone thieves.

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER when the Dartford Tunnel was opened, a government promise to remove the tolls once it had paid for itself? I’m convinced I’m not imagining this and I suppose only a long trawl through Hansard would confirm it. Well of course, the tunnel and its twin bore has long recovered its construction costs, and so has the bridge, so why are we still paying? And even more to the point, why has the cost of using it recently increased?

This I believe is a very real issue for the people of Bexley and one which should be rigorously challenged by its three MP’s and I was pleased to learn that David Evennett has tabled an Early Day Motion on the subject. Well done David.

WHY DO SOME PEOPLE feel it necessary to apologise for making perfectly reasonable observations, just to appease the politically-correct bullies? For example, the Medway councillor who commented on a young woman currently in the news, who has seven children by five different men. Wasn’t he saying what we were all thinking, as she appeared on our tv screens, accompanied by her latest ‘toy boy’? The councillor was making a serious point about ‘breakdown Britain’ and the number of people habitually living on benefits at the expense of the taxpayer. You will hear this discussion in any bar on any night of the week. Yet – his party leader labelled his comments “deplorable” and another said “I don’t know what planet he is on.” Well I do, it’s called Planet Earth and he is painting a picture all too common in modern Britain. So he has absolutely nothing to apologise for, although his critics certainly have.

SIXTY YEARS AFTER being conscripted to serve down the mines, the Bevin Boys have been honoured with a commemorative badge. The way they were selected was that the secretary to the Minister of Labour, Ernest Bevin, drew numbers from a hat and if these corresponded with a young man’s National Service Registration Number, he was compelled by law to serve his time underground in a colliery.

I have always thought these were the bravest of the brave, even though they wouldn’t come face-to-face with the enemy. And I imagine that most of those selected to serve their country digging out coal in damp, dark, dangerous conditions underground, would have been stunned and hugely disappointed to have drawn the short straw. Many of them must have envied those who would be wearing uniform and joining a regiment to ‘do their bit.’ But there was no choice in those distant days of austerity and they were just as important to the nation as those in the front line. But I am eternally relieved that the last of the Bevin Boys were demobbed before I was called up for National Service.

THE STATE VISIT of the Sarkozy’s in March was a welcome diversion from our awful weather and failing economy and brought some typical Gallic charm into our colourless lives. Just one thing bothered me. As Prince Philip was seated next to the frisky third Mme. Sarkozy at the state banquet in Windsor Castle, surely he wouldn’t drop a clanger on this occasion by asking her about our local boy, ‘rubber lips’ Mick Jagger? You don’t think that’s why he ended up in hospital do you?

COME ON BE HONEST! Were you inspired by the three main candidates for London Mayor? Their lack-lustre performance during visits to tv and radio studios did none of them any favours at all, as they squabbled childishly between themselves, rather than present clear-cut policies for Londoners. Personally, I was much more impressed with some of the other runners further down the field.

John Steward April 2008

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 11:50:17 +0000

THE WORLD’S BEST KEPT SECRET is now out in the open. Thanks to an Australian website, Prince Harry’s adventure in Afghanistan has come to an abrupt end. Even seasoned commentators and royal watchers had been taken in by the compliant news blackout in the British media.

He was genuinely upset when his troop was deployed to Afghanistan without him, resulting in a national debate of should he or shouldn’t he go? My own stance was quite clear, that he most definitely should NOT be allowed to take part in this unpopular war – for two reasons. His presence in that unstable country would make him a natural target for the Taliban war lords, which would inevitably threaten the safety of those around him. Then, the strong possibility that on his return to the UK, he would become a prime target for Al Qaeda and other fanatics seeking revenge for his part in fighting against a ‘jihad’.

If the initial decision taken by army chief of staff General Dannatt had been followed, then all this fuss would have been avoided. Obviously, Prince Harry must have had a right royal tantrum and made life generally unpleasant for the army command, until they gave in to his selfish demands. His insistence on being treated like a normal soldier was fanciful and ignored the possible consequences on others for his selfish actions. His strict training should have taught him that you do not question an order given by a superior officer, however disagreeable that might be. He has certainly inherited his mother’s stubborn genes. The resulting stage-managed subterfuge did not present the real picture to the people. Had the camera pulled back for a wide shot, they would have seen a posse of minders from the S.A.S. and his personal protection squad, as well as the experienced NCO delegated to clear the machine gun when it jammed – as they are prone to do. Such was the privilege afforded to this ‘brave’ young officer, that is not available to the ordinary soldier facing the muck and bullets on the front line.

I was longing for a sergeant-major to order him to get rid of the ridiculous baseball cap bearing the Stars & Stripes and to ‘get your hair cut, you ‘orrible little man’. The army has certainly changed since my days when an officer was meant to set an example to his men.

Most young military personnel who have completed their tough training programme are anxious to put this experience into practice, even to the extent of ignoring the personal danger that faces them and cannot wait to be posted to a war zone. Some civilian observers may interpret this as bravery and dedication to duty, whilst others will see it as fearless and foolhardy. A prime example was the Battle of Britain, when in 1940, young pilots barely out of school fearlessly sacrificed their lives, with little or no thought for their own well-being. In my own personal experience, I recall the utter disappointment at being pulled out of the Suez campaign at the eleventh hour, after months of training. Morale throughout the battalion slumped to rock-bottom and it took many weeks to restore the fighting spirit again.

I suppose we should give Prince Harry a little credit for his own spirited example, compared with the louche lifestyle of many of the sons of our politicians and minor royals, who are happy to take taxpayers money, but give nothing in return. I think you know who I mean? At least the Prince will have earned his poppy in November and will be more aware than most of its true significance, as he stands in respect at the Cenotaph.

BUGS ARE BUGGED. Another story worthy of April 1st comes from the respected publication ‘New Scientist’. Insects are now being implanted with electrodes, allowing them to send information back to their handlers. A famous propaganda poster during the Second World War warned “Wall’s Have Ears”. This could now be updated to the present day as “Fly’s Have Ears”. So think twice this summer before you zap that insect alighting on your window sill, or you may receive a visit from the SWAT team.

WHEN POLITICIANS are not busy dipping their greedy snouts into the money trough, they occasionally point them towards other targets to make themselves equally unpopular. The latest is that quintessential institution of Britishness - The Proms.

I have always thought of Culture Minister Margaret Hodge as a particularly nasty piece of work and no more so now she has set her sights on our beloved annual music festival that has entertained the people since 1895. She is concerned that those from different cultural backgrounds do not feel at ease with this celebration of the world’s finest music. This of course is utter nonsense and her views must be quickly dismissed before she is able to inflict her left-wing venom any further.

Perhaps she would like to see The Proms merged with the Notting Hill Carnival! The Proms has done more to bring people together than any other institution in the world and promotes harmony between all cultures, religions and political beliefs, unlike many politicians who only promote conflict and wars. Is it any wonder the MP for Barking (and she certainly is!) has driven her constituents into the arms of the BNP, where they hold the largest number of local authority seats in the country. She is their greatest recruiting officer.

So let her heed this warning from a music lover. Keep out of this if you value your parliamentary seat and do not dare attempt to hijack the British people’s last night optimism for a Land of Hope and Glory.

THE MONTH OF FEBRUARY saw yet another THREE sadistic murderers sent to prison for their dastardly deeds against women. And we all know this is not going to deter others with twisted minds from repeating such crimes in the future.

Murder – the deliberate taking of someone’s life - is now so commonplace, that we anticipate it will make the daily headlines in the papers and on TV news bulletins. In truth, we have become so immune to such everyday occurrences, we soon dismiss them from our minds as we get on with our daily lives. Yet it should not be like this. All decent people should be outraged that successive weak governments have not done enough to protect the people, especially women, children and police officers. It would be foolish and unrealistic to believe that society can be fully protected from the downright evil actions of a few deviants who will stop at nothing to satisfy their blood lust. But this should not prevent our politicians from doing more to deter the borderline opportunists who know that at worst, they will keep their own lives whilst their victims die.

The debate for restoring capital punishment is as strong as ever and regular readers of my column will know that I vowed some years ago not to vote in a general election until politicians make a determined effort to bring back the death penalty for deliberate murder. Hanging is considered barbaric by some, but then so is murder. So I am certainly not squeamish about it, like many of our well-informed intelligentsia who argue against it. However, I am willing to concede this particular point for the alternative of lethal injection.

The old argument against capital punishment has been based mainly on the remote possibility of a mistaken conviction and dodgy evidence, resulting in a miscarriage of justice. This is now however a weak submission, with the virtually foolproof advance in forensic science and DNA data available to modern detection and policing. In the past, cases have hinged upon experienced counsel presenting skilful legal representation to persuade juries to convict, or otherwise.

In every poll taken by newspapers and TV stations in recent times, the overwhelming majority have been in favour of the restoration of the death penalty. This is the democratic voice of the people speaking, yet still the politicians refuse to listen. And still ‘life sentences’ continue to be a farce, with murderers being released early to kill again. I pose you this one simple question: If it was your child, or another person dear to you that had been murdered, how would you feel about the death penalty then? If you feel the same way as me and the majority of the British people, then inform your MP that if he is not prepared to support your views on this, then he cannot expect your support at the next election.

I CAN BE AS GUILTY as anyone of making sweeping generalisations, particularly when referring to the yob culture that prevails today. Yet having been privileged to attend Bexley’s Young Musician of the Year Awards, I felt a little ashamed of my tendency to tar all youngsters with the same brush.

It was a truly humbling experience to witness the sheer hard work and dedication these local schoolchildren put into their performances and gave me fresh hope for the future. Of course, they were but a small section of today’s youth and it is wishful thinking that their attitude could be replicated by all. But if learning a musical instrument can bring out the best in them, then there must be a strong case for introducing music studies into all schools throughout the land. And if this is only partially successful, the investment will pay off by the reduction in crime and its cost to society,

Congratulations then to Laura Wilson, Christine Hayman, Fatimah Farag, Katie Martin, Richard Moore, Rebecca Catterall, Sarah McLellan and George Salmon. All were worthy winners on the night. My only regret was that from these eight excellent finalists there could be only one outright winner of this major award. Well done all of you. (Photo Kentphoto News)

HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE about the woman who is suing a householder because she caught a finger in his letterbox when delivering junk mail? No – it’s not a joke, at least not to the householder who stands to have to pay her substantial compensation. He rightly states she came onto his property uninvited, to deliver a leaflet he did not want.

I like the idea of letterboxes that bite back, if it discourages those volunteers employed by the local ‘take-away’ to stuff my postbox full of unwanted leaflets depicting pizzas in full colour on glossy paper. If it wasn’t for harming our friendly postman, I would advocate exploding letterboxes, or those that fire rockets as soon as they are pushed open. Especially against emissaries from the Bamboo Garden, The Laughing Buddha and Pizza Parlour.

ONE DULL AND MISERABLE afternoon in February, two newspapers arrived together. One – The Bexley Times displayed the large bold headline “Gang Warfare on Murder Estate”. The other – The Londoner, displayed an even larger and bolder headline “Crime Hits 9 Year Low”. Naturally this statement is backed by the usual set of suspect statistics issued by the Metropolitan Police. Who do YOU believe? More to the point, what do the residents on the Murder Estate think, as police search for yet another killer and whose lives are constantly blighted by gangs in and around Woolwich. And what do the people living in all those other London boroughs think – where stabbings and shootings take place with monotonous regularity?

I believe it was Mark Twain who said there are statistics and there are damn lies! Take your choice. My own belief is that The Londoner, which is the official mouthpiece of the mayor, is no more than a propaganda sheet that even Goebels would have admired. If you tell the people enough times how safe the London streets are, they might just begin to believe it. But I doubt the people will swallow this, when they witness with their own eyes what is actually going on in and around their streets and shopping centres.

Try this statement Mister Mayor: You can fool some of the people all of the time and you can fool all of the people some of the time. BUT YOU DON’T FOOL ME!

SO POOR ‘QUEEN’ CAMILLA experienced a rough time whilst sailing in the West Indies with Prince Charles on a luxury yacht. Ever sympathetic, her husband suggested that a brisk walk along the path of an active unstable volcano would soon make her feel better. Do I detect another conspiracy theory in the making?

John Steward - March 2008

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 12:24:18 +0000

IN OCTOBER 1940 a German bomber flew low over Bexleyheath Broadway and dropped a stick of high explosive bombs onto commercial premises opposite Christ Church. Inevitably there were fatalities and many casualties. One of the shops completely destroyed was the dry cleaners adjoining the Post Office; miraculously the Post Office remained standing.

Its bosses have now succeeded in doing what Hitler failed to achieve all those years ago, by closing it down for good.

We are more fortunate than many towns and villages, in that the business is being transferred into WH Smith, still in the Broadway, although I have strong reservations about this move. How the elderly and infirm are going to negotiate the steep stairs leading up to the first floor, without needing medical attention at the top is going to be interesting. Perhaps a member of St. Johns Ambulance will be permanently on duty together with a sign advising the nearest A & E department! And will Smith’s tiny passenger lift be able to cope with pushchairs and prams? I can’t imagine how electric mobility wheelchairs are going to make it, short of being hoisted by crane up the outside of the building. But no doubt this has all been thought out by those responsible for the move. We can only hope.

OF ALL THE THINGS Ken Livingstone has done to get Londoner’s backs up, his critics can only pick on the daily tipple he takes for medicinal purposes. Frankly, the very sight of him and the sound of his voice is enough to drive me to drink.

IT SICKENS ME that so much sleaze and greed pervades political life and even more so now that allegations of a serious diversion of public funds has found its way onto our own doorstep in Bexley. We are not talking about a lowly-paid office boy sneaking out with a biro in his pocket, or snatching a few minutes on the office computer to e-mail Tracey in Accounts with terms of endearment.

No - it’s the fact that so many people holding responsible public office and being well-rewarded by the taxpayer, just cannot resist the temptation of going that bit further by dipping their sticky fingers into the till which is continually replenished by you and me from our meagre earnings.

The term ‘expenses’ has always been a contentious one, because it relies mainly on trust and the honesty of the person claiming them.

Having struggled at one time to support my own son through university, no-one informed me that I would also be required to do the same for the Conway boys. No wonder the (dis)Honourable Member for Bexley and Sidcup was referred to as a ‘family man’. Little surprise then that the public holds politicians in such low esteem. What was once seen as a duty and a privilege, has now been replaced by sleaze and greed.

After this latest exposé, there will be many others now urgently reviewing their personal expenses and domestic arrangements. I particularly noticed that during PM’s Questions in the week the story broke, not one mention was made about this from either side of the chamber, when you might have expected Labour members to have used it to their advantage. I wonder why this was? You don’t think they ALL have something to hide, do you? The whole system stinks.

In a perfect world, where integrity is the moral code, this would not be a problem. Unfortunately, integrity comes well down the list of attributes we can now expect from those we elect to manage our affairs. It is I suppose a sad reflection of what society as a whole has become today and why Great Britain is no longer Great.

IT HAS BEEN REVEALED that plans are in hand to remove Britannia from our coins. The iconic Roman Goddess is to be replaced by a representation of modern Britain - starting with the 50p coin.

I wonder what they have in mind? A beer can; a cannabis plant; an array of knives and handguns; a menacing hoodie; a pregnant teenager; an ugly wheelie bin; a plastic policeman; an example of graffiti - the list is endless and each one accurately depicts real life in today’s Britain. I would think that Goddess Britannia is very relieved not to have to represent us any more.

CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN to me why public sector workers expect an automatic pay rise every year - at the taxpayers expense? There are thousands of employees in private industry who go several years without any increase at all, because quite simply their companies cannot afford it and remain competitive. When I worked, this was certainly the case and we had to wait to see how well (or badly) we had done before any such consideration could be entertained. Those in the public sector who claim that any settlement below the rate of inflation is actually a pay cut, are talking arrant nonsense. It’s time this annual pay race ceased and that also goes for Members of Parliament.

It is my contention that regular pay increases in the public sector does more to fuel inflation than anything else, because as taxpayers and consumers there is nothing we can do to escape the consequences. I recall Enoch Powell in a speech to his constituents, warning one man’s wage rise was another’s pay cut. This certainly applies in the case of pensioners and those on fixed incomes, who suffer most from public sector greed.

JEREMY BEADLE wasn’t to everyone’s taste, having been the nation’s practical joker, among his many other talents. His pranks however hid a more serious side; that of his tireless work for children’s charities, despite in recent years suffering himself from leukaemia. He was personally responsible for raising a record £100 million, until his untimely death this year.

Contrary to his public persona and unlike so many celebrities who use charitable works to further their careers, only a few close friends were aware of his super-human efforts in this field and the difficult circumstances in which he carried them out. Which is why it sickens me that he never received a well-deserved knighthood and Michael Parkinson did.

FURTHER TO THE bus company who published a pamphlet on “How To Get On A Bus,” there appears to be a serious omission. How to get OFF again!

THE NEWS MEDIA worked overtime on the crash-landing of a BA aircraft at Heathrow in January. Mercifully there were no serious casualties, apart from a very bent airplane that is going to need more than a tube of touch-up paint to get it back into service. Once the initial impact had happened and everyone safely accounted for, the drama was over. But not for the news media. TV cameras returned to the scene at regular intervals to train their hungry lenses onto the lifeless fuselage of the stricken aircraft, where nothing had changed since the previous bulletins.

Everyone was quick to applaud the heroism of Captain Burkill for guiding his engineless aircraft safely over the rooftops of houses and finally the perimeter fence, to a pancake landing on soft grass. But then it turned out that the real hero was in fact co-pilot John Coward, who was actually at the controls on landing.

Keen to cash in on the incident, British Airways hastily convened a press conference to parade the crew in the full glare of publicity. Their appearance was reminiscent of a scene from Thunderbirds, in their smart uniforms, wooden demeanour and chiselled features. And the captain’s staccato delivery of the prepared statement was in keeping with his image as Captain Courageous. I found myself looking for the strings that worked him.

The actual hero, co-pilot John Coward, painfully attempted to hide his embarrassment beneath an oversize uniform cap. And the cabin crew director (once called air hostesses), was clearly a stand-in from central casting at Pinewood, she fitted her rôle so well.

If BA’s intention was to reassure potential passengers with the professionalism of their employees, this was completely cancelled out by the constant shots of the wrecked aircraft, which did nothing to convince anyone of a nervous disposition that flying is the safest way to travel.

LOUIS TUSSAUDS WAXWORKS in Great Yarmouth has come in for criticism that many of its exhibits bear little resemblance to the famous people they were intended to represent. Monsieur Tussaud has my sympathy in the case of political figures, because it must be a dilemma deciding which of their two faces to display!

WHAT A SPLENDID SIGHT it was to see 22,000 police officers on the streets of London during their recent demonstration. One has to ask where they all came from, considering how difficult it is to find one when you need one? Felons must have been delighted to be given a day of freedom from interruption in carrying out their nefarious business, although it probably wasn’t much different to any other day for them.

I wasn’t impressed though that these bobbies had exchanged their helmets for white baseball caps. To me, this provocative headgear is usually associated with yobs as an indication of their macho aggressiveness, especially when racing their souped-up minis at breakneck speeds through built-up areas. Not a wise public relations move for the police, I think.

LIFE ON MARS took on a new interest when a NASA robot recently photographed what looked like a human figure reclining against a rock. My immediate thought was that at last they have found Lord Lucan.

AT LAST A POLITICIAN who tells the truth! We must applaud Health Minister Lord Darzi for publicly admitting that the Government’s election pledge to end mixed-sex hospital wards was no more than an aspiration and can never be achieved.

For ten years, Labour has promised to stamp out this undesirable practice, whilst all the time knowing it was not realistically possible. This confirms that promises made in election manifesto’s must be taken with a pinch of proverbial salt and are not worth the paper they are printed on. A huge fine should be levied on those political parties deliberately misleading the electorate in the race for votes.

THE RACE FOR GOLD is as I predicted, continuing at breakneck speed. I’m referring of course to the pay of senior executives at the Olympic Delivery Authority. It is revealed that seven of these ‘competitors’ are receiving in excess of £200,000 a year - more than the Prime Minister of Great Britain. Now I have no idea if these ‘champions’ are value for money, but someone obviously does, to have appointed them. I sense that mild panic is beginning to set in, as 2012 becomes ever closer and throwing large sums of money at it is the only way of ensuring the Olympics open on the due date.

It’s the usual taxpayers and Lottery good causes who are the losers in this money-making marathon.

IT WAS ONLY a small piece tucked obscurely away on the inside pages of the newspapers, but I believe it deserved more prominence than this. Bigamy in our country is illegal and if found guilty, punishable by up to seven years imprisonment. Yet immigrants from countries where this practice is accepted can claim benefits for each of their multiple wives, as well as all the resulting offspring from their polygamous couplings.

The financial permutations are enormous and can result in several hundreds of pounds a week for each extended family unit, thanks to the generosity of the British taxpayer.

There will of course be those who think being surrounded by a number of nagging wives and screaming kids, deserves to be rewarded.

THE LATEST BUZZWORD from Westminster is ‘Transparency’.

But I think we can already see through these charlatans, don’t you?

FORGIVE ME for not getting over-excited about the Presidential Election campaign in the USA. Fever-pitch is being reached as the final race to the White House looks like being between a black man and a white woman, which is unprecedented. But I for one can do without the long drawn-out period of nightly razzmatazz on our tv screens.

The Americans could learn a lot from us Brits. We recently installed a new Prime Minister with hardly anyone realising it. As the outgoing one quietly slipped out of the back door of Number 10, his un-elected replacement seamlessly took his place without any of the fuss of electioneering, ballot papers and people having to bother to vote.

This might not have been democratic, but it beat the hell out of all those noisy conventions, cheerleaders, placards and empty clichés being suffered by our American cousins. And how many times is it said, “They’re all the same anyway, once they get in!”

So ABU HAMZA has finally been told to sling his hook!

John Steward - February 2008

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 15:47:42 +0000

CHRISTMAS TV PROGRAMMES usually come in for much criticism - and this year is no exception. So what do YOU remember most of the seasonal offerings coming from the box in the corner? Perennial favourites perhaps, like The Sound Of Music, Gone With The Wind, Meet Me In St. Louis and The Muppets continue to be repeated, like a bad bout of indigestion. Or perhaps the foul-mouthed Catherine Tate, or the ubiquitous James Bond was more to your taste? My own preferences were the several ballet programmes and the excellent documentary on the life of Andrea Bocelli, the blind Italian opera singer. And best of all, the splendid Arena documentary on Ken Dodd, reminding us of a time when variety was king and real humour could be enjoyed by everyone.

But what has most stuck in my mind was not a programme at all. It has to be those interminable, dreadfully pushy adverts promoting half-price leather sofas, with a free armchair thrown in, no deposit, interest-free credit and nothing to pay until the year dot. And there was no escape by switching on the radio - because they were also there to assault the eardrums at all points on the dial, as well as every other page of every newspaper. There was absolutely no escaping this torture.

All credit to the advertising agencies handling these accounts, for successfully getting their message across to the great British public, by constantly pounding the senses into submission. Adolf Hitler employed a similar mesmerising tactic at his pre-war rallies and had he been advocating furniture instead of war, history would have taken a much different course. It occurs to me that there must now be a massive sofa mountain somewhere on a disused airfield, where the discarded old ones are laid to rest. Frankly, I don’t care if I never hear about or see another sofa as long as I live. Except of course the one I’m sitting on, which unfortunately didn’t come with a free armchair.

THE NEW YEAR’S HONOURS LIST always manages to include a name that gets my hackles up. My nomination this year has to be Michael Parkinson, whose only visible talent is to be a good listener.

For the last four decades he has interviewed most of the world’s leading actors and celebrities and has carried out this task reasonably efficiently from his comfortable chair. But in no way can this be described as onerous, as all the hard work is done by the backroom team of researchers. As a journalist, he is quite at home posing inane questions to the interviewees sitting opposite and massaging their already over-polished egos. He has obviously enjoyed being paid very good money for doing what he likes best and must have been as surprised as I am that this should be rewarded with a knighthood.

Personally I found him smugly self-satisfied, keenly aware of his contrived public persona and utterly vain. These unattractive traits though did not deter viewers from switching on to his show, but I would suggest this had more to do with the celebrities, than the great show-off himself, although I doubt he would agree.

Arise Sir Michael, you have epitomised the vacuous state of British TV, where real talent continues to go unrewarded.

MURDER RETURNS ONCE MORE to the borough. And again, this has taken place in Erith, which is fast becoming a notorious ‘no go’ area after dark. It is now time for some positive and decisive action by the police and the housing associations.

They must carry out a root and branch investigation into anyone suspected of making life unbearable for the decent residents in these tower blocks and evict them immediately, although there is evidence that outsiders have also infiltrated the area. Security must therefore be stepped up, with personal entry codes for residents and routine dog patrols around the buildings. Magistrates must also get tough with those offenders appearing before them on drugs charges and show that this kind of behaviour will not be tolerated in the London Borough of Bexley.

THE SCHOOLBOY GANG whose violent behaviour led to the death of Erith man Ernest Norton have had their convictions for manslaughter quashed and replaced by twelve month Suspension Orders, which means they are required to occasionally report to youth team officers. In other words they have escaped punishment, with no more than a legal slap on the wrists and are free to roam the streets of the borough again, seeking out victims on whom to unleash their vile behaviour.

This will be of little comfort to Mrs. Norton and her family and certainly not to the residents of Erith and surrounding areas. If the law is unwilling to protect us - who will?

WHY THE HELL are we sending a team of our best Scotland Yard bobbies to Pakistan to investigate the death of maverick politician Benazir Bhutto? She was not a British subject and Britain has no jurisdiction in Pakistan. This is probably a welcome break away from the nick and not having to investigate daily stabbings and shootings on London’s streets. But these officers, who’s wages are paid by us taxpayers, are badly needed here where they belong and not among a bunch of hot-heads in a far away land.

YOU HAVE TO FEEL SORRY for the patients evacuated from their burning wards at the Royal Marsden Hospital. No sooner were they found a warm and safe haven - then Gordon Brown turned up to shake their hands with his own stubby nail-bitten fingers. They could be forgiven for wishing they had stayed behind and taken their chances among the smoke and debris. It might have been worse though. Imagine if Tony and Cherie had still been in Number Ten!

APPOINTING THE LATEST in a long line of recent England soccer coaches, has been on a par with the election of a Pope. We haven’t seen puffs of white smoke emerging from the roof of Wembley Stadium announcing the result, but there has been plenty of hot air in the media as the usual band of pundits treated us to their expert opinions.

The new man appears to be something of a disciplinarian, which I have long advocated on this page. Let’s hope he can keep our over-indulged players away from the nightclub scene where they usually spend most of their non-playing time; often getting into trouble as they struggle to offload their riches on strong drink and scheming females. I’m particularly impressed that he has already banned mobile telephones from the dressing room. Let’s hope Italian, Fabio Capello signals the turning point in our national team’s fortune and we can again hold our heads high with the pride we once had when soccer skills were more important than fashion displays and celebrity.

There has been criticism that he speaks very little English. So what - neither can most of the players!

A RECENT SURVEY (yes another) has revealed that bishops are in the same earnings bracket as pole dancers. This may come as a surprise to many, but whichever way you look at it, both are performing a service to society and have something in common. They spend much of their time up the pole!

THE EDUCATION MINISTER says that parents should read fairy tales to their children. Who could be better qualified on this subject than a politician? Do you remember boys and girls, when they told us the story about wicked Uncle Saddam,

scheming in his desert lair to point his nasty rockets at us? Then our very best friends, the Americans, found him hiding in a hole in the ground and took him away to be hung up by his neck, so that all of us boys and girls could once again sleep safely in our beds.

What is different about this fairy tale is that no-one lived happily ever after - except that biggest storyteller of them all - Anthony Blair.

DAVID EVENNETT MP presented a petition to the House of Commons on behalf of Bexley’s pensioners protesting against the Olympic Games Council Tax Levy. I have covered this many times in my column and the fact that it is quite unfair that residents in the London Boroughs are forced to pay this iniquitous tax when the rest of the country doesn’t.

Full marks to David Evennett for his support, but certainly not to council leader Ian Clement, whose only contribution was a dire threat to remind us that anyone withholding part of their council tax payments will have legal action taken against them. He is right of course to point this out. But wouldn’t it have been more commendable if he, and the leaders of all the other London Boroughs, were on the side of the people who elected them and ganged up on City Hall to protest on our behalf?

PLANS ARE AFOOT to reorganise Bexley’s three police stations to make them ‘Fit For Purpose’. A new separate custody centre is proposed, to free-up more office space at Bexleyheath. MORE OFFICE SPACE!! This presumably means even more officers occupying even more desks instead of out patrolling the area. We can’t blame the police for this state of affairs; they are at saturation point with the amount of admin and paperwork the Home Office has thrust upon them.

I don’t think deskbound bobbies was what Robert Peel had in mind!

‘TILL NUMBER FOUR PLEASE’. We’ve all obeyed this distinctive female voice instructing us to go forward to the next vacant position, in the bank, Post Office, Woolworths, Argos and other high street establishments. What intrigues me is that I’m convinced this is always the same woman and by the time I have walked from the bank to the Post Office, she has beaten me to it and is in position, ready to welcome me to ‘TILL NUMBER ONE PLEASE’.

Try explaining this to the kids?

WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND would have bet on Evel Knievel dying in his bed? This was the greatest daredevil of all time who had broken more than 400 bones during a career, that often featured a dozen or more buses, or a yawning chasm that he attempted to traverse on his motorbike. More often than not he would crash and end up again and again on the operating table. His philosophy was ‘you can fail many times, but you’re never a failure until you refuse to get up’. That’s not a bad thought - and one that we could all learn from.

AFTER THE DEBACLE of illegal immigrants being found employed at the Home Office, I have become immune to what happens at the centre of government any more. That is until the missing computer discs saga, where the confidential records of some 25 million families were ‘mislaid’ by the Benefits Agency. Yet even this serious lapse of security didn’t have the impact on me that it once might.

No - what shocked me to the core was to learn that staff in these offices wear baseball caps! And there I was thinking that civil servants wore smart pinstripe suits and carried tightly-rolled umbrellas to the office.

HIS NAME IS SYNONYMOUS WITH A DOG BISCUIT. He never appears in public without his trademark wrap-around dark glasses and diamond earring. He is often to be found close to the seat of power, having had his feet under the table at Number Ten, becoming an unofficial adviser to the PM on such weighty matters as world poverty and climate change. He has pleaded with the masses to give all they can to such worthy causes, whilst protecting his own personal fortune in an overseas bank.

What he’s done to have amassed this fortune is a mystery to me, but for some reason I find him an intolerable bore, whose main claim to fame is to be seen with the makers and shakers at the top of the pack. His ridiculous name to his fans is BONO, but then who would have taken any notice of him if he called himself Paul Hewson, the name on his passport?