First, I would reduce the number of Members of Parliament by a third and make all members of the Lords present themselves to public scrutiny for re-appointment 

• Disband every Quango in the land and dismiss all but the most essential consultants – making our elected representatives personally responsible for their decisions 

• Draw up a Bill of Rights for British citizens that supersedes European rules on Human Rights, giving priority to our own Parliament and Courts

• Revert to unpaid local councillors, where dedicated citizens run local affairs under a democratically elected Mayor

• Abolish Council Tax in its current form and fairly re-apply it, based on the Inland Revenue model

• Completely overhaul the legal system, with lawmakers, judges and magistrates being more accountable to public opinion.. Sentencing should reflect the seriousness of the crime, with ‘Life’ meaning just that. A return to Corporal Punishment and hard labour for persistent thugs and Capital Punishment for premeditated murder. With the unprecedented advance in forensic science, the usual argument about miscarriages of justice is all but eliminated 

• NHS inpatients should pay for their food  – as they would at home, releasing millions of pounds towards critical treatment, essential drugs and new equipment

• Let us have an honest national debate on climate change and global warming, with all views represented fairly by independent experts who have no personal or political agenda 

• Throw the book at deliberately dangerous drivers by crushing their vehicles and banning them for life

• Introduce much tougher controls on immigration and immediately deport those who flout our laws

• Make the BBC licence fee dependant on strict rules on programme quality, content and salaries and make it conditional that our national sports return to terrestrial TV, so I can watch the Test Matches once again

• Eliminate the culture of political correctness and compensation by agreeing a sensible approach to natural hazards – particularly school sports that have been dropped for fear of being sued by opportunists

• Freedom of opinion should be fiercely protected and minority interests must not be allowed to interfere with our proud history of free speech, for which our forefathers have given their lives. British culture and customs must remain at the forefront and those wishing to join us must accept and respect this

• An urgent review of our armed forces is long overdue and politicians have to be more responsible in the way they deploy and equip our troops, bearing in mind we are no longer in a position  to be the world’s policeman

• The Bank of England should open branches on the High Street, where we can access our own cash, rather than allowing greedy bankers to take control of taxpayers money

• Schools must return to the educational and disciplinary standards of the fifties and manage their own curriculum, concentrating on the three ‘Rs’ with less interference from continually-changing Ministers. English has to remain our first language and British history presented honestly and factually, without manipulation by the politically motivated

• The police must return to their traditional rôle, without being shackled by red tape, ever-changing laws and rules of engagement, or being burdened by politically-correct ambitious Chief Constables

• Strikes by public service workers should be outlawed, by establishing a totally independent arbitration body, whose decisions are non-negotiable and final in law. Any union leader breaking such agreement should be tried for treason

• The National Lottery, in collaboration with the Charities Commission, to distribute funds fairly donated to each registered charity, thereby eliminating the need for volunteer collectors to stand outside shops rattling their tins begging for chance donations

• I would really like to hand the Olympic Games over to runners-up Paris, but obviously this would be impractical now we are so far advanced in the construction of the venues. So I will settle for all of us London council taxpayers, who have contributed many millions of Walnut Whips (according to Ken Livingston), are given free access to all the events

• All mobile telephones should be banned on public transport and smoking reinstated in pubs, by mutual agreement

• A public subscription should be raised to send Tony Blair, together with union leaders Bob Crow, Billy Hayes and Dave Ward, to an obscure South American country and safely out of our lives for ever.

These are just a few things for those in power to get to grips with and when they have, I can produce another list of equal length for their attention. Have a good New Year.

THE ROYAL MAIL is to be congratulated for daring to have the courage to use Christmas Greetings on the cards it has distributed to all households. In these times of religious division and diversity, it is refreshing that not everyone is afraid of offending the narrow-minded minority bigots. More seriously though, if the postal workers decide to continue with their industrial action, I shall run out of the rubber bands that my postie generously scatters across my doorstep each morning!

YET ANOTHER EXAMPLE of Britain’s dilution of power, is the farce taking place on the high seas involving our Senior Service. Not so long ago our navy was humiliated when fifteen armed sailors and marines were easily overpowered and captured in the Iranian Gulf and publicly paraded in Teheran, having been relieved of their weapons and uniforms. They were eventually returned home in some disgrace. This later incident involves a retired couple from Tunbridge Wells whose yacht was boarded in the Indian Ocean by Somalian pirates, within sight of a Royal Fleet Auxiliary vessel, fully armed with machine guns, cannon and a helicopter. It is reported that the navy crew and marines on board made no attempt to intervene as the terrified couple were kidnapped in exchange for a large ransom.

Where was the buccaneering spirit the Royal Navy was once renowned for?  Past heroes like Drake, Nelson and Jellico would have made short work of these seagoing dogs and they would have been summarily executed and their lifeless bodies hung from the yardarm at sundown. I suspect senior naval officers are now restrained in their actions by the European Law on Human Rights, or some Health & Safety Directive and need to protect their pensions and promotion prospects.

But don’t despair landlubbers.  The Princess Royal has recently been made a Vice Admiral of the Fleet, which should have those sea-going rebels trembling in their hammocks. At the first sign of trouble, she will set sail and tell them in no uncertain terms to “naff-off” and England’s naval honour will have been partly restored.

IN KEEPING WITH THE TITLE of this column, “You Wouldn’t Believe It” this story is right up there among the winners. Inmates at Kirkham Jail were sold raffle tickets for £1 each. And what do you think the first prize was for the winning ticket?  I shan’t bother to wait for your answer, because you would never guess it! Incredulously, it was one day of freedom out in the big wide world, among an unsuspecting public.  If the prison service seeks ideas for future raffle prizes, may I suggest a fruit cake containing a file, or a weekly Travel Pass.                                                                                                                                                                    

ANTHONY CHARLES LYNTON BLAIR, that grand poseur and master magician of illusion will already be preening himself in front of his bathroom mirror, rehearsing for his appearance before the Chilcot Inquiry into our invasion of Iraq. He must relish another opportunity to hone his thespian skills in the spotlight – knowing that under the rules he is not on trial and therefore cannot be pronounced guilty, or punished for his prevarication and deception.  Once again we shall be forced to endure his sickening grin as he explains to an ungrateful nation how sincere he was in his belief that we were all about to be blown to pieces within 45 minutes and how God was on his side.

I sometimes find myself fantasising that instead of Saddam Hussein being roped up in preparation for the long drop into oblivion, I superimpose the face of the grinning Blair onto his. This of course only allows me a brief moment of satisfaction, knowing it is only a dream. There are still those who believe Blair and his puppet master George Bush will appear in front of a war tribunal at the Hague, but in all reality, this is not going to happen. So I shall go on dreaming, whilst the Chilcot Inquiry costs us millions of pounds and will satisfy no-one.

DO ANY OF US really understand, or care about the Large Hadron Collider that is sending Proton Particles hurtling around an underground tunnel in Switzerland, close to the speed of light? We should do, because the £6 billion this development has cost so far, could have done one hell of a lot of good up here on the surface.

IT IS NO LESS THAN ASTOUNDING how much of our taxes continues to be wasted on ‘pretend’ jobs that reek of political-correctness. Take for example Denise Milani, the daughter of West Indian immigrants, who is now the £75,000 a year Head of Diversity and Citizen Focus Directorate at Scotland Yard. She runs a department of over sixty staff, so the annual bill for this mini empire must run into millions of pounds. Among her responsibilities are lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender remits – issues you would think should be privately dealt with by the cop’s family or GP - not by a taxpayer-funded over-inflated dedicated team of agony aunts within the Metropolitan Police.

If our political leaders want to be taken seriously about cutting costs in the public sector, here is just one where the axe could fall and I doubt any of us would even notice this ‘non-job’ had gone!

THERE ISN’T MUCH that politicians do that I fully appreciate and I don’t imagine I am  alone in this. For example, why is it that those who have been found out fiddling their expenses stand up in the Palace of Westminster and apologise to their fellow Members?  Surely it is us taxpayers who have been robbed and therefore should be the recipients of their humble apologies. And what better way than to introduce the stocks where constituents can show their disapproval in the time-honoured fashion. I for one, would look forward to Derek Conway and Ian Clement appearing at the Danson Park Show, where we could lob coconuts and rotten eggs in their direction, with the proceeds going to the Mayor’s Charity.  It is truly disgraceful that whilst our brave troops, paid a mere pittance, are fighting and dying in Afghanistan, some Members of Parliament are fighting battles of their own to retain the right to continue receiving free housing, light bulbs and duck ponds. Is it any wonder the public has lost interest in politics and all faith in politicians. The only way to ensure a good turn-out at the forthcoming General Election, will be to enlist the help of Simon Cowell to stage-manage it.

HAVE YOU NOTICED how many people engaged in discussion about racism, like to inform us “Some of my best friends are black” as if this absolves them from any suspicion of discrimination. This has now been extended to “I have several gay friends” when addressing the delicate subject of homosexuality. So well and good, but I haven’t heard anyone recently admitting to having a friend who is a politician!

CYCLING IS THE NEW RENAISSANCE.  I suppose we have my new-found friend Boris Johnson to thank for making this questionable activity once again fashionable, as he is often seen arriving sweaty, dishevelled and puffed out at the entrance to City Hall. His latest initiative is to swamp London with these infernal machines, to further antagonise drivers, with their erratic weaving in-and-out of traffic, crossing traffic signals on red, overtaking on the inside, swiping wing mirrors, and leaving deep gouges on car bodywork.. Not content with this, they illegally mount pavements and terrorise pedestrians and animals. Now, in some parts of the Capital, these lycra-clad lunatics have been given permission to travel in the wrong direction along one-way streets. What next? As members of the European Union, will we be expected to drive on the right-hand side every Bastille Day? Answers please on a postcard to the Department of Silliness, City Hall.