PERHAPS IN FUTURE WE CAN BE SPARED all the ballyhoo and expense of general elections now that New New Labour has found a way of thieving all the best ideas of the opposition parties and presenting them as its very own. All that is necessary is a Suggestion Box placed behind the Speaker’s chair so that MP’s can pop in their comments on the way into the chamber, for the Prime Minister to collect on his way out.
Come to think of it, why have a House of Commons at all, when Members could operate this system direct from their constituencies, saving millions of pounds in travelling and housing expenses, which could be put to better use. Constituency surgeries could open daily for the benefit of local people and Westminster could become the latest and largest Tesco superstore in its bid for world domination.
IF THE DISRUPTION to postal deliveries goes on for much longer, I shall be forced to give up my millionaire lifestyle. You see, hardly a day goes by that I don’t receive a letter informing me that I’ve won sums between £15,000 and £250,000. These arrive from all parts of the world, mostly Holland, Canada and West Africa.
Please Mister Postman, your strikes are ruining me.
I HOPE YOU HAVE ALL responded to the editor’s campaign to remove Bexley and Bromley from being London Boroughs (October edition). As far as I can tell, we get no real benefit from our association with the Capital – in fact it costs us council taxpayers dearly to belong to Ken’s Club.
For the past four years I have been demanding a review of my own Tax Band, without success. My case is simply that similar properties on either side of my own are classified in a lower Band, yet are virtually identical in size and number of rooms. The VOA, which is responsible for setting these bands has been unable to come up with any plausible explanation for this inequality and continues to avoid my communications, which suggests it has something to hide.
Two MP’s, Bexley Council’s Leader and even a Minister of State have all agreed that this position is unreasonable and have each offered their sympathy, yet none have taken any action against the VOA, which appears to be a law unto itself. But I shall tenaciously fight on until justice is done, however long it takes.
HOMOPHOBIA is now a serious criminal offence punishable by seven years imprisonment. You get far less for mugging or burglary. There is so much I could say about this subject under what used to be termed free speech, but coward that I am, seven years is a large chunk of life to forfeit and I certainly have no desire to share a cell with a ‘Big Brother’ in those circumstances. So I must leave it to you dear reader to read my thoughts on this matter, as long as you keep them to yourself!
HERE WE GO AGAIN. The ‘experts’ at the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority are advising the government that pupils should mark each other’s work and decide what homework they should be set. I tell you what; why not do away with teachers altogether and hand classroom keys to the kids and allow them to come and go as they please? This way we could save on staff salaries and pensions and reduce the Council Tax. And our buses would be free of graffiti and abusive behaviour, because it’s unlikely that the unruly ones would bother to travel to school at all. If this sounds like nonsense, then so is the proposal to allow self-assessment in our schools. Has nothing been learned from the disastrous legacy of the ‘progressives’ and the effect they have had on our once-proud education system?
IN 2003, GP’s virtually doubled their salaries and drastically reduced their hours, under a new government contract. Predictably this resulted in patients being ignored in so-called ‘out-of-hours’ Now, also predictably, there is pressure on them to open their surgeries at weekends and evenings – and even more predictably, they are demanding extra payment for doing so. To simpletons like myself, this was all too PREDICTABLE.
FROM WAY BACK IN MILITARY HISTORY, governments have announced that the troops will be brought home by Christmas. But they never say WHICH Christmas?
ONE OF THE BIGGEST ‘cons’ of modern times has to be the fashion industry’s enticement to persuade women to keep up with the Zeta Jones’s and her ilk with their ridiculously extortionate, outrageously overpriced products. Take for example the latest line in handbags. Kylie, Eva and Keira are publicly parading these accessories costing between £1,200 and £2,000 each, presumably to transport their lipgloss and mascara. Like the dark glasses and the poodle once carried everywhere, these have become a status symbol to emphasise the difference between ‘them’ and ‘us’. Personally I think they are in urgent need of brain surgery.
You can almost hear Lady Bracknell repeating that famous line –
“A h-a-a-n-d-b-a-a-g !”
IN THE WAKE OF the debacle of Northern Rock, banks are now wooing savers again. Following several years of low returns, during which they have shown indifference to savers, they are now desperate to encourage depositers to shore up their diminishing funds. This is a complete turn-around from the position just a year ago, when they were awash with money and were almost forcing borrowers to take more than they could afford. Inevitably this has resulted in many debts and placed the banking system here and in the U.S. in a precarious position. Hopefully lessons have been learned and bankers will now take the more cautious approach of their predecessors, who I remember only too well facing interrogation to obtain a very modest loan from my bank manager.
There is however a two-class system in operation, where Internet savers receive much better interest rates than those who deal at the branch or by post. This is because the cost of handling Internet accounts is less than other forms of transaction and is reflected in the rates. But it seems grossly unfair on older savers who do not have access to this new-fangled equipment, but whose hard-earned cash is every bit as valuable to the economy. For Senior Citizens – read Second Class Citizens.
SCOTLAND YARD wants to recruit more women to its CO19 firearms unit, because according to its chief, women have different negotiating skills to male officers.
I can’t think what he can possibly mean?
WHO ARE THOSE MORONS who forever telephone TV stations to complain? A flood of complaints were received from viewers recently, over a domestic slapping scene depicted in an MFI advertisement. It resulted in the company having to remove it from our screens at enormous cost to itself and its shareholders. Yet it was a harmless scene, intended to add a humorous element.
I have to question what the hell people are doing watching TV adverts when we all know that’s the time to make the tea, visit the bathroom and put the cat out. Who in their right mind would deliberately sit and watch TV between programmes, to analyse and criticise the quality of the ads before picking up the telephone to give the station’s duty officer a piece of their tiny minds? Surely it’s a damn sight easier to operate the OFF switch!
IT IS OFTEN STATED ‘don’t believe all you read in newspapers’, usually by those who don’t want you to know what they are up to. The latest reading is very scary indeed, assuming it is true. London Fire Service now requires all its contractors to complete a questionnaire stating their employment policy on sexual oddities before allocating work or settling accounts. Muslim staff at Sainsbury’s are refusing to serve customers with goods that offend their religion. And Muslim medical students are said to be boycotting lectures and exams that include alcohol related and sexually transmitted diseases.
I dread to think what will happen to fire victims, supermarket customers and hospital patients in the future, once this madness takes hold. And I’ve already mentioned the threat of seven years imprisonment for stating an opinion on homosexuality. In this climate, I don’t hold out much hope for committed Christians and newspaper columnists.
THE SPYING ALLEGATION against McLaren by Ferrari was the best thing to happen to Formula One motor sport for a very long time. It has given long-suffering fans a well needed lift out of the doldrums which has seen this once exciting sport become predictably boring, largely due to the rigid specification of cars and team rules imposed by the governing body, that took away much of the skill of individual drivers.
After years of Michael Shumacher taking pole position and receiving the winners’ trophy, spectators and TV viewers were beginning to dwindle and were ready for something different to attract them back. There is nothing like in-fighting between ferociously competitive teams, or a personal spat between drivers in the same team to revive interest. It may not have been good for McLaren’s bank balance, but it couldn’t have come at a better time for the future of the sport. Let’s have more of the same.
I RECENTLY REVISITED MY PAST LIFE when I visited the Erith Playhouse and joined a backstage tour. We were conducted around by a knowledgeable young man, Ian Humphrey’s, a member of the Erith Theatre Guild. It was rather eerie going back in time, seeing the once familiar scenery dock, props room and the old prompt corner that was a lifeline at times of forgetfulness and sensing the ghosts from times past. Names such as Derek Miller, John Langley, Pamela Cosh, Pat Watson, Michael Gambon, were just a few that flashed through my mind as I manoeuvred the tricky stairs to below stage, where larger props and items of furniture from past shows are stored. The only live link with my distant past was the lady who up until a few years ago ran the Box Office since its opening in 1949.
It was a strange experience standing on stage looking out over the auditorium as I had done in those far-off days when we had to learn a part for next week’s show whilst performing the current week’s play. I recalled the hard-working fun we had in our spare time, painting backcloths in bright bold strokes that were meaningless close up, but made sense from a distance. And adding the illusion of a window where there wasn’t one, or ensuring the scenery didn’t wobble when a door was slammed.
The exhilaration of first night adrenalin when concentrating hard in the wings on meeting your cue and making sure you found the floor marker to deliver your opening lines. This was pure theatre and illusion, where for a couple of hours you could escape the humdrum chores and pressures of daily life and hopefully capture the rapt attention of the audience. The present company of men and women are as hard working and dedicated as their predecessors ever were and the misnomer ‘amateur’ should not detract from their sheer professionalism.
Do yourself a favour; switch off the TV for a night and get along to the Erith Playhouse in the High Street for a really enjoyable time. I guarantee you won’t be disappointed and will want to make it a regular feature of your social calendar. And the seat prices are ridiculously low.
Contact the Box Office on 01322 350345 or www.playhouse.org.uk and ask them to send you a copy of their current programme of plays and the Christmas Pantomime, which this year is Puss in Boots. You will be pleased you did.
THE WIFE OF A SOLDIER serving in Iraq has complained about the standard of her subsidised accommodation at Catterick Barracks in Yorkshire. A carpet was so worn that nails were coming through from the floorboards and she had to bang them down with a hammer. I think someone should gently inform her that this is what most people have to do in real life, where there are no squaddies available to do odd jobs at the taxpayers expense. I imagine her husband is having a much tougher time in Iraq.